Here’s something I know about you: your life has had many a twist and turn. Up, down, all around, like a seesaw. (Actually, seesaws just go up and down, don’t they?) (Though who am I to argue with Aretha?)

Many of the changes came upon us and many, we chose.

But what I’ve realized lately is that I’ve been resisting change and growth a little bit. It came up because a client told me she is almost totally future-focused, and rarely looks back.

But after the session I thought about it and realized I may be the opposite way – I naturally focus on introspection about the past, rather than moving optimistically and joyfully toward a glorious future. Maybe you’re the same way?

Here’s one possible reason why – when we look back, we see only what we consider to be MISTAKES.

In the past, regret has been painful for us. It’s looked a whole lot like self-judgment and self-criticism.

We’ve told ourselves: What a fool! Can’t you get anything right? How could you do that again? Why didn’t you think it through better?

So it’s natural that we’re afraid of giving ourselves cause, again, to suffer from regret.

Thus, when we don’t act, when we don’t move towards our dreams and what will bring us joy and peace, it’s not because we’re lazy, procrastinating or torpid – it’s because we’re afraid of making another “mistake”.

And we stay frozen, while our natural preference, and what we MOST WANT TO DO, is to forge ahead through life, thoughtfully but boldly, to achieve our goals and dreams.

The truth is; we are not afraid of change – we are afraid of regret.

Dear heart, there’s only one way through this: to know that there are no mistakes, there are only choices.

Life is not about reaching a destination, a pinnacle of achievement that is reached by perpetually trudging forward in one direction and never straying from the path. It’s a journey of one step forward, two steps back, of constant course corrections.

(Did you know a rocket going to the moon is only perfectly on course 3% of the time? The rest of the time it’s wavering slightly off course and being corrected back on course.)

So we learn to trust ourselves, and, in each moment, follow our curiosity and our wellbeing.

We come to know ourselves deeply, and make choices based on what the true us really wants.

What if the NASA chappies saw that the rocket was off course, threw their hands up in horror, and went home, believing that now the rocket would never get to the moon?

THAT is what I have done, many times. How about you?

So – what to do?

Here are a few ideas:
1. List all the times you made a clear, life-affirming choice that paid off for you. List at least 10. This is evidence that what you’re believing may not be true. If we have a “fixed” mindset, we can tend to see the glass always as half-empty. This exercise reminds us that it can also be half-full.

2. Redefine mistakes and failure. Journal a little bit about what failure means to you, and what success means to you. Consider some other people – friends, colleagues, celebs – and ponder how they handled what could have been defined as a mistake or a failure. Did they give up, or did they take a minute to lick their wounds, then regroup and move forward, wiser for the experience?

3. Think of a time you made what you define as a mistake. Ask yourself this question? Can I absolutely know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it WAS a mistake?

Here’s an example from my own life; a few years ago, I failed to buy an apartment that I loved, could afford, and wanted very much. The moment came to buy, and I didn’t. I choked, and just didn’t.

In recent years I’d experienced a couple of professional setbacks, and I’d lost confidence. I didn’t buy it, and for a couple of years, I regretted it deeply.

It’s taken a while, but here’s how I look at it today: I CAN’T know it was the perfect place for me.

Barking dogs (a bugbear of mine, as you will have noticed) may have moved in downstairs. It may have been riddled with termites. I may have hated the neighborhood. Parking might have been a nightmare. I might have decided to move out of town five minutes after signing the contract. WHO KNOWS?

So why cause myself ongoing anguish by fretting and regretting, when life is so beautiful and jam-packed full of possibility?

WHAT IF that was actually the most brilliant choice I ever made, guided impeccably by my inner wisdom, but because I framed it as a mistake, I have never given myself credit for acting so powerfully in my own best interest? What a waste of time and effort that would be.

So, dear person, let’s not spend any more time reproaching ourselves for things that are in the past, and out of our reach.

Or our greatest regret might be the time we spent mired in regret.

In the words of the inimitable Auntie Mame “Life is a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!”