Are you short-changing your happiness because of a simple misunderstanding?

You might have heard other coaches tell you “You don’t need to be at the mercy of your thoughts and feelings.”

They’ll walk you through exercises to manage, control or change your thinking and your feelings.

You end up feeling it’s ALL up to you, and it will take constant vigilance to stay on top of it all.

On the other hand, they might tell you your emotions are always true, and reflect reality; that they’re fragile and must be coddled.

So where does that leave you?

Someone shouts at you and you feel like crap. You don’t speak up when you want to, and you feel miserable. You don’t WANT to identify with your feelings – but how do you stop?

You might go into victim mode and withdraw to lick your wounds.You might go into control mode and try to change your external reality – stay away from the mean people, fight back, try harder…

In my life I’ve gone backwards and forwards between two ways of being in the world, two Alis – I call them Fluffy Duffey and Toughy Duffey.

Fluffy is a gentle soul, but she’s a shrinking violet – sees herself as a victim of whatever life throws at her. She blames and shames herself for whatever goes wrong and is adept at using anything as a weapon against herself.

Toughy, on the other hand, is – well – tough as an old boot. She is armored and always ready to fight. The answer is always to work more, to be better, to try harder.

But both approaches – Fluffy and Toughy – were uncomfortable. Fluffy shrank from life, and Toughy wrestled with life. Both stances HURT.

I learned that there is a third way. A way of peace, sureness and confidence.

I learned that we’re all, naturally and by birthright, deeply resilient, and able to navigate our lives with ease and grace.

Feelings are what let us know we’re alive. They connect us to our true self, one that’s neither fragile nor controlling, but that allows us to live fully from our strength.

We never need to transform Fluffy into Toughy, or vice versa.

We never have to worry about doing damage, or being damaged.

We are intact, whole and strong.

In all my years of therapy, coaching, training and introspection, the single most transformative thing anyone ever said to me is this:

You don’t have to believe everything you think.

And when you know that – when you’re no longer caught up in your fearful or insecure thinking – you can find a beautiful resilience within you.

That, my friend, is where peace lives, and that is the basis of my work in the world.

Here’s a question to consider:

What would my life be like if I saw myself as neither the victim of life, nor the boss of life?