I’ve been thinking about our old friend Imposter Syndrome. Well, I say “friend”…

I have suffered agonizingly, horribly and (as I now see) unnecessarily from ImpSyn for bloody aeons.

There was the time in the late 80s that I lived for a couple of years at the Chateau Marmont on Sunset Boulevard. Ya know, where the celebs stay – rock stars, movie stars, HUGE household names.

I was living in LA producing a show and had stayed at the Chateau quite a bit over the years (not paid for by me, obvs…), so when I needed to be in Los Angeles semi-permanently, and didn’t have the required legal status to get an apartment, I asked if they could do me a beautiful deal…

[Sidebar: I was producing an international travel show so I was living kind of a first-class, five-star life. Amazing what you can get if you just ASK for it!]

Anyway, they said “Yes”, and I moved into the sweetest cottage imaginable.

In those days the Chateau was completely private – there were no public bars, restaurants etc – so everyone you saw was a guest or the guest of a guest.

So then I had to deal with walking through the lobby – sitting by the pool – going to the parlor for Happy Hour every day – surrounded by your Angie Dickinsons and your Robert de Niros and your Danny Devitos and your Tom Pettys. And me! Good lord.

I felt so deeply out of place that, honestly, when I picture myself, I am cringing and sidling and giving sheepish, apologetic smiles, and trying not to meet anyone’s eyes… I’m sure it wasn’t THAT bad from the outside, but on the inside – yep.

I walked up to a glass door near the lobby once, arms full of boxes and files (taking work home, as one did), and the person on the other side saw me and kindly opened the door for me. I looked up to say thanks, and blow me down – George Harrison.

I did the classic double-take that everyone must always do when they unexpectedly encounter a Beatle, mumbled my thanks, and thought afterwards – wish I’d been cooler. (I doubt it would have been possible.)

But here’s the thing: I realize they must all have assumed I was someone too; just someone they hadn’t met, or didn’t recognize, yet.

We humans can make anything into a weapon against ourselves. Like self-doubt, imposter syndrome can, really, actually, be our friend.

It can point to where we actually ARE out of place, because we’re not where our hearts long for us to be.

It can point to the ways in which our limited thinking is holding us back – often in the name of “being grateful for what we have” or “not rocking the boat” and not letting ourselves want what we want, because we don’t believe we can have it.

(And I am here to tell you, my friend, WANT WHAT YOU WANT. You were made to be the fullest, most individualistic, fully expressed YOU that you could ever be.)

So here are some possibilities about Imposter Syndrome (are any of these true for you?)

1. you’re NOT an imposter because you have the right to try anything, achieve anything, be anywhere and, in that, know that you are inherently worthy of it.
2. you ARE an imposter because you’ve inserted yourself into a situation where everybody else has decided you don’t belong – maybe because you’re a woman, or because you’re young, or because you’re old, or because you don’t have the credentials others have, or because you’re some other kind of unacceptable. (This is all about the patriarchy, the ageism, the racism and the misogyny.)
3. you ARE an imposter because you’re not doing the REAL thing you want – the thing your heart cries out for. So of course you feel like an imposter. You’re going through the motions, dear heart. You’re not living your REAL life.

Here’s a beautiful quote from my first coaching teacher, Martha Beck:

“Pursue your dreams, not because you’re immune to heartbreak, but because your real life, your whole life, is worth getting your heart broken a few thousand times.”

When I first read this, years ago, I burst into tears, because I saw myself in there so clearly – all the times I truly believed my job was to keep myself immune from heartbreak, and the many, painful ways I tried to achieve that – by apologizing for myself. By not allowing myself to acknowledge what I wanted. By believing the bullshit idea that I should always be grateful for my circs, NOT SEEING that it has always been up to ME to change them.

Now I see that I am made of resilience. Yes, I may feel like an imposter.

It’s worth asking myself if I actually AM out of place because I’m not where I truly want to be – but otherwise, I don’t have to be limited by it.

It’s a passing, transient, arbitrary thought. EVERYONE thinks it and feels it. It’s extremely likely that those superstars had the same thoughts as me.

That maybe they’d look around the parlor and see others who were MORE successful or wealthier, and wonder why they were even there. (Comparison is never worthwhile.)

That kind of thinking is all just part of the human experience. See it – thank it for being there, with whatever gifts and insights it may bring – and then, my friend, CARRY ON. Pursue your dreams!!