What happens when we believe our lives should look – and BE – perfect, and they’re not? Something goes “wrong”…

Sometimes, in our spiritual/self-help/personal growth world, we are sold a pup. 

We are told that once we are aligned with our soul and our values, and “living our purpose”, things will henceforth go smoothly. Our life will be look like one of those TV ads for aperitifs that are shot in Mediterranean villas, where everyone is young and beautiful, and smiles and dances all the time.

This, dear people, will shock you, but my life has, mostly, not looked like that at ALL. Perhaps yours hasn’t, and doesn’t, either?

So then what happens is that something goes “wrong”, and we can become devastated/disillusioned/disheartened, and the other contents of the thesaurus that can be found under “the end of hope”.

All it actually is, though, is good old LIFE, happening… 

But we feel that something has, indeed, gone wrong. And, because we’ve been told that if we were aligned and purposeful, it wouldn’t have – then it must be US who have “gone wrong”. 

This way lies shame, and when we experience shame, we tend to hide, to not want to be visible, and to give up on our goals and intentions for our lives.

I speak from experience here. I have known huge success in my life, and had some absolutely amazing experiences and adventures, for which I’m truly grateful. 

But when I became a coach, I suffered from self-doubt such as I’d never known. I’d always been able to do everything I’d tried, to some extent or another, and suddenly, there I was, firmly on the back foot.

I felt that I simply wasn’t equipped for the job. I wasn’t [name the trait] enough (for example: spiritual, sweet, rich, extroverted, bubbly, American – you get the idea…) 

I’d been told to expect to step right into coaching and make a killing – six figures, anyone? So when it turned out that I didn’t know much about marketing and, especially, selling – and really didn’t want to be seen – and really didn’t want to label myself a coach – well, that got tricky…

And, inevitably, because none of these painful feelings and difficult circumstances were “meant” to happen – I could only assume that there was a very clear problem, and it had to be ME. 

Maybe you don’t relate to this at all – but I know, having been in this field for a while, now, that MANY of us experience this kind of thing.

So what do we do?

Starting with the Inside

Firstly, we deal with the inside – meaning, we address where all of this actually comes from. As you know, as coaches we do believe that our clients, and ourselves, are intrinsically whole, creative, complete and resilient. 

And, inside each of us is a tender, vulnerable, sensitive part that wants to be protected, and to protect us. A huge part of our responsibility toward ourselves is to care for that dear self. 

So, first, we want to offer kindness to that part. And to notice when the kind of inner dialog that we might label our “inner critic” occurs. You will often find that part to be in need, not of being rejected or repressed, but of being reassured that we are actually okay – we appreciate its care, but all is well.

Or we may be experiencing a different kind of inner dialog. This is one that is conditioned, internalized and pervasive. It comes from society. It comes from the fears and voices of others (some well-meaning , some not). It comes from family, schools, institutions, capitalism and the patriarchy (in all cases – not necessarily individuals, but the forces of oppression, injustice, exclusion, racism and misogyny).

This is a voice we do not need to engage with. We simply need to see it for what it is. It is not our friend, and does not wish us well. We can choose for ourselves the extent to which we want to engage with this voice, and what lies behind it. (And nobody can ever shame us for the decision we make around that.)

Making Tiny Moves

Secondly, we can begin to make tiny moves. The above – the inner work – is not, of course “one and done” – it is present with us always. And, as we notice and deal with our thinking in the appropriate way – then we can begin to identify and pursue our OWN dreams and desires.

And we remember our own innate resilience, creativity and ability to prevail. Our tenacity and our competence. Then, we keep going. 

We, as humans, are firmly ensconced in that beautiful state in which Things Happen. You’ve heard of Byron Katie and her beautiful phrase “Love what is”, right? That’s what this is all about. 

Instead of crumbling and deflating and giving up – we DO have what it takes, within us, to observe life with curiosity and kindness and to deploy our considerable intrinsic gifts to keep going; to figure things out; to redirect and respond as needed. 

When unexpected or unwanted things happen, YES, we’re allowed to feel them. In fact, we must. We can grieve, and mourn, and feel sad, or a little bit broken, or angry.

But then, we CAN keep going. And in order to do this, we must be offering ourselves, as a huge and important priority, kindness, gentleness and care.

So I invite you, dear people, to do exactly that.

Written by: Ali Duffey
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